How to satisfy your wife while flying.

Fred Winstanley - 13/06/2009

How to Satisfy Your Wife While Flying.

This is not a sex manual for tandem pilots but an idea of how to impress your wife and still get to go flying. Like all good flights preparation and planning is the key. Book a holiday somewhere where there is good flying, you can fly to a fairly secluded spot and your wife has got easy transport to the same place. Butterfly valley in Olu Deniz is ideal. Part two of the plan involves buying a bottle of champagne at the airport duty free, whatever you do don't leave it until you get to Turkey, the cost of quality champagne there will spoil what is really a good plan. Ensure you have two radios, tuned to the same frequency, one for you and one for your wife.

Once in the resort ensure that the water taxi is running and you know the times and place of departure, and also the return times. Arrange transport up the hill, at about the same time as the water taxi departs. The night before the planned flight make sure you can either get a load of ice in the morning, or you can fill an ice cube tray and freeze it over night. On the morning of the planned flight, place the champagne in the duty free plastic bag and pack the ice around it, and seal the bag around the neck of the bottle with tape. Get hold of a couple of suitable glasses and get your wife to take them with her to Butterfly Valley. Switch on both radios and make sure you both know how to use them. Kiss your loved one goodbye at the water taxi and then head off for your transport.

At the launch site wrap everything you can around the champagne bag before stuffing it in your harness, to try to protect the bottle as much as possible. Cocking up the take off, smashing the bottle and then arriving on the beach covered in stale champagne from the waist down not only will spoil the day for both of you but you may have trouble convincing her that you haven't necked it on the way down and then your bladder couldn't take the pressure build up! It's terrible stuff to wash off your reserve as well, and let's face it, after such a disaster she isn't going to help with the repack.

Make sure you know where Butterfly Valley is. You may be able to console yourself with nice cold bubbly after landing on the wrong beach, but don't think she will be in the mood to find it funny when you do finally meet up, and if she is the kind of woman who find sympathetic hippy types irresistible you may be on a bigger loser than you thought.

Once in radio contact make sure you know whereabouts on the beach she is. Landing at the opposite end to her and then jumping into the arms of any woman who looks vaguely like your wife, but who turns out to be a dress size smaller, blonder and Swedish, will ensure a trip to the divorce courts on your return; after you've been let out of the Turkish jail after the Swedish stunner has reported you to the police for molestation.

Once you have established contact don't try to impress her with death spiral acros. Fairly fast three sixties and gentle wingovers are great; just nothing that is going to frighten her or even worse you. Opening a bottle of champagne with hands shaking as your body tries to lose all the excess adrenaline doesn't add to the image of cool sky god. Quite often there is a volley ball net strung across one end of the beach. This can be used as an emergency arrest net if you cock up your approach and are in danger of smashing into the cliff, but once again cool sky god image has taken a bigger bashing than you did when you hit the net.

Your landing has to be spot on. Practice spot landing, and once perfected pick a spot two metres in front of her, and nail it! Drop the glider to one side and then embrace her passionately. Try to arrive towards the end of lunch time. Tourist boats quite often tie up and have their lunch there and it adds to the overall impression as they burst into spontaneous applause. Now is the chance to really shine. Casually lower your harness to the ground, pull the chilled champagne from its covering, ease out the cork, and gently pour into the glasses she proffers. Milk the applause, revel in the cries of “007!”, “James Bond!” from the anchored boats, look deeply into her eyes, entwine your arms and drink deeply. This is the moment; milk it for all it's worth. If the day coincides with a special date, birthday, anniversary etc., now is the moment to strike, suggest to her that you make this an annual event a suggestion will have you both smiling with satisfaction.

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